I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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