Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
