me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
