I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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