ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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