ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
