he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize