i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
