I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
