They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
