wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
