I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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