Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
