Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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