Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
