Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
