I cannot find my penis.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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