Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize