so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
