she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
