she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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