well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
