If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize