i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
