I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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