Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
