My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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