ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
farters have to be the big spoon...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well I just put wine in my tea
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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