I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
