they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
