she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize