Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
