My liver just broke up with me...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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