I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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