I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
