IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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