For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
