Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
