My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
