how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
