I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
