It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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