He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Sober January is a disaster.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
