There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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