she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
