for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
