He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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