if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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