this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Randomize
