Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
