Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
