so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
