my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
