my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
