I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
