New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I supernannyed him into submission
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize